I just learned “Freewill” by Rush on guitar! …except all the impossible solos of course. It was really challenging but I’m really proud of what I’ve got, considering not so long ago I had no idea how to play guitar.
wondering why I haven’t slept in 33 hours but really, I already know why, but part of me is not allowing me to “override” and get some fucking rest.
I’ll keep telling myself that I’ll just go to bed in a minute
but, ah, hey, let me scroll down real quick on Facebook,
and of course your mom posts a picture of you from last year dressed up in your shitty costume at work. I think, remember what we did that day; that was an entire year ago today.
Ah fuck, I hate November and I hate being alone and I hate how I feel and I hate how I’ve felt since I came home from Fishers.
I don’t feel right lately, very… foreign, alien, despondent. Like a puzzle piece that got mixed in with a very different puzzle, and the original puzzle is thrown out or missing, or just fucked beyond recognition.
In essence I’m a relic of something 9/10ths collapsed.
I’d say I feel numb but it’s different. I react as though I’m numb, I move as though I’m numb, but I feel every ounce of pain I’ve bottled and then give it to myself twenty times worse and repeat the process.
I just want to feel like I’m not a shithead that’s dragging everyone down, y’know,maybe have some friends that don’t need to tell me they plan on killing themselves just so they don’t have to hang out with me. Someone that responds to me, and y’know, maybe would want to see me sometimes or something. I don’t fuckin’ know.
I always sound like such a whiney little bitch when I type on this thing.
I wait and tell myself "life ain’t chess" but no one comes in, and yes, you’re alone.
You don’t miss me, I know.
A weird twist on this one: you never died, we just drifted apart or had a fight or something and I convinced myself you had died, and ended up permanently in a psych ward, and as soon as you found out, you came to visit me and I then realized that it was my own mind betraying me and I couldn’t trust myself or anyone so I jumped off the hospital roof and killed myself.
Fuuck that was heavy.. I’m oh so tired of the vividness and the frequency of these, but then, I have been since they started.